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AARP AUTHOR TIM PROSCH PROVIDES TOOLS FOR SENSITIVE FAMILY CONVERSATIONS

As teens we experience “the talk” — that uncomfortable discussion with our parents about the facts of life. Eventually as parents, we find ourselves navigating “the other talk” — a sensitive conversation with our kids about our finances, driving and living arrangements. At Covenant Village of Golden Valley, a faith-based, not-for-profit continuing care retirement community administered by Covenant Retirement Communities, AARP author Tim Prosch spoke to an audience of 45 senior adults about the tools they need to have sensitive, engaging conversations about the future with their adult and frequently middle-aged children.

According to AARP, approximately 75 percent of parents avoid discussing their futures with their adult children. And yet, “Parents do not want their kids to suffer through the same frustrations, arguments and unpleasant surprises that they themselves experienced with their parents,” explains Prosch, author of “The Other Talk: A Guide to Talking with Your Adult Children About the Rest of Your Life.” He counsels that, “The key is communication. Start talking now so you can continue talking later.”

“An unexpected yet predictable event can become a crisis without open lines of communication between family members,” says Gary Gardeen, executive director at Covenant Village of the Golden Valley. “At Covenant Village of Golden Valley, we’re committed to helping seniors enjoy every day. Tim’s an expert in providing tools that help break down emotional barriers. That is certainly a key element in achieving peace of mind.”

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Prosch explains the biggest obstacles to having the conversation are the emotional ones, including denial, role reversal and loss of control. “Parents think, ‘I’m about to lose control of the life and lifestyle I worked hard to create for myself and my spouse.’ Kids think, ‘I need to start taking responsibility for my parents.’”

Prosch suggests parents and children first adjust their mindset:

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•       Change the transaction: Make the conversation the parents’ initiative, rather than the kids’ intervention.

•       Change the dynamic: This isn’t about children taking control and parents losing control. It’s about sharing control.

•       Change the focus: Parents aren’t surrendering their lives to confrontational children; they are collaborating with their kids and actively planning for the rest of their lives. After all, Prosch says, this isn’t about the “end of your life,” it’s about “the rest of your life.”

When preparing for the conversation Prosch suggests parents and children commit to full disclosure. Parents should organize their documents, including medical, financial, investments/pensions and burial/funeral paperwork, insurance policies, credit cards and seven year’s worth of tax returns. He suggests parents consider a third party transaction. Use Prosch’s book, “The Other Talk: A Guide to Talking with Your Adult Children About the Rest of Your Life” as a conversation starter. “Give your children the book. Ask them to look at it and let you know when they’re ready to talk,” he suggests. 

After having the conversation, Prosch recommends developing an action plan that addresses four elements.

•       Finance your uncertain future. Be realistic with your expectations. What you think you need to maintain your lifestyle may be different than what you actually need.

•       Select the best living arrangement. Keep an open mind about your options.

•       Arrange for the medical care you need now and later in life.

•       Take charge of the end of your life now by writing down your end-of-life wishes.

About Covenant Village of Golden Valley

Covenant Village of Golden Valley, a faith-based, not-for-profit, continuing care retirement community, is located at 5800 St. Croix Ave. N., Golden Valley, Minn. It is administered by Covenant Retirement Communities, one of the nation’s largest not-for-profit senior services providers. Covenant Retirement Communities serves 5,000 residents at 15 retirement communities nationwide and is a ministry of the Evangelical Covenant Church. For more information on Covenant Village of Golden Valley, call (877) 804-7017 or visit www.CovenantVillageofGoldenValley.org.

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